... and it was just as easy as...
one, two, three.
Tiny classified ads.
That's right.
- This is so inspirational. - You're damn right it's inspirational.
I went from a guy who was constantly behind on his monthly rent...
to a multimillionaire entrepreneur...
- And it's so simple, too. - That's what makes it genius.
I don't understand why more people don't do it.
Operators... Well, they're standing by.
'Cause they're scared, Larry. Afraid to take risk, man.
- Yeah. - Told you the man's a genius.
And he's making moves. See the size of that yacht?
Yeah.
- That was a nice yacht. - That's what I'm talking about, man.
And you heard the man, right? "Anybody can do it."
- Exactly. - Know what's sad?
A man who's so afraid to take a risk...
that he wastes his whole life playing it safe.
Look at my uncle Victor. You remember him, right?
This cat worked three full-time jobs for 35 years, man.
Three full-time jobs for what? He ain't got shit.
A damn raggedy-ass house that he's still paying for.
And then on top of that, guess what?
They forced his ass into early retirement.
- You know what they gave him? - 401 (k)?
No. A pat on the back and a fucking watch, man.
Now, was that worth it?
Well, it depends on the watch.
I mean, if they gave him a Patek Philippe or a Roger Dubuis...
That's not the point, man.
The point is, the guy is dying of ass cancer now.
All messed up. His kids all messed up on drugs.
One of them is a fucking tranny.
- Which one? - You crazy?
Lisa.
Lisa's a dude?
Yeah, you knew Lisa was a dude, right?
Yeah, of course I knew.
This is some good shit, right?
- Who is it? - Lance.
... I went from a guy who was constantly behind on his rent...
Your landlord!
Lance! Hey!
- Hi, Lance. We were just talking about you. - Really? What, were you...
- What? - It's your flip-flops, Lance.
- My flip-flops? - You gotta take them off, man.
It's kind of a Zen thing we do around the apartment here.
Listen, guys. Really...
I really, really, really, really need the rent money.
- But it's not due till the 5th. - But it's the 15th.
And, you're already three months behind.
So, am I gonna see some money?
Not exactly.
You know, technically, just technically...
- you're not on this lease. - But when Steve moved out...
When Steve moved out, I let you guys come in, and you're good guys.
You're good guys, but you're always late with the rent money.
Wait a minute, Lance. There've been a few times...
- Irregardless. - Regardless.
What?
Regardless. I mean, "irregardless" isn't a word.
Listen, Lance. Things are really about to pop over here.
We're in the process of getting a business off the ground.
Yeah, it's a "tiny classified ads" business.
- A "tiny classified ads" business? - Yeah.
For what?
Well, that's not the point. You see, Lance...
the ads themselves generate income.
It's complex.
I understand ads. Ads for what?
Okay, Lance, look. It's clear that you are not a risk-taker, okay?
So why don't you just stick to your little real-estate investments...
bumming a couple of bucks a month off guys like us.
- Where's the profit, man? - Where is the profit?
- That's chickenfeed, baby. - Chickenfeed?
So where's my chickenfeed?
I want my money or I'm going to take action.
Take action?
Look, just chill right there, okay...
while my business partner and I go discuss this new deal...
that you've put on the table, okay?
Wait, "new deal"? There is no new deal.
Just relax, baby. We're gonna be right back and take care of you, okay?
Rico, this is getting serious.
What do you think?
I don't know, maybe we should order the program.
Order the program? Why?
I don't know, in case there are some details we missed.
Details? What more do we need to know, man?
Dick just spent the last half an hour laying the whole thing out for us.
Well, yeah, you got a point there.
Look, man, you got to understand, man.
The average person wants something for nothing.
They're not willing to commit themselves...
to sit down and watch an entire infomercial, like we just did.
Yeah, you're right.
- Which already puts us ahead of the game. - Exactly.
Congratulations, partner. We are officially small-business owners.
Yeah!
You know what comes on today at 4:00, right?
You think I don't?
- Shawshank Redemption. - Shank marathon on TNT.
All weekend long, baby.
- Pong? - Pong.
Oh, you got nothing on me, bitch.
Money shot, bitch.
The bank is open, bitch.
Well?
Whoa!
Yo, man, you can't just walk in here without knocking.
- What's up with that, Lance? - What's going on here, Lance?
You know what? This is crap. This is crap!
I'm sick and tired of your shenanigans.
This is it, and I mean it.
- Oh, Lance. - What a dick.
I got the point, bitch.
Yeah, well, you needed me to spot you a point anyway, bitch.
I got to take a shit. You wanna come?
Let's roll.
Morning.
Oh, my God!
- Hey, excuse me, I need some more soymilk. - What you need is rehab.
Yeah, rehab is your only option.
You need to get your shit together.
You can't keep assing around your whole life.
Yeah, I know. Can you fucking believe it?
An intervention. On me. Yeah, I know.
It was like they gave me some bullshit pamphlet...
about some rehab I'm supposed to check out. Like...
Well, I lost the freaking thing already.
The pamphlet for the rehab thing I'm supposed... The...
Are you even listening to me?
Dude, I gotta roll. What?
The deal? Yeah, it's still going down.
Yeah. Yeah. I got a customer.
Late.
May I help you?
Rehab? Wait, wait, wait.
You're telling me coffee-shop guy...
the biggest get-high crackhead in town...
told you that you need rehab? Please, man.
I don't know. It looks kind of nice.
They got volleyball, biofeedback...
"Heavens House, the easier, softer way."
Give me that.
Ain't nothing easy or soft about rehab, man.
You do realize you can't get high in there, right?
Really?
Why is there always a catch?
'Cause it's rehab, Larry.
Maybe coffee-shop guy knows something we don't.
Yeah, like where the nearest crackhouse is.
What?
Hey, there's your girl, Elise.
Aren't you supposed to be hooking up with her?
Yeah, but I'm playing it kind of slow right now.
- Smart. - Yeah.
- What's up, Elise? - Hey...
- Rico. - Hi, right.
Big Daddy, this is Chico and, sorry...
Hi, I'm Larry.
- They're my neighbors. - What's up, fellas? How you doing?
That is a beautiful car, Big Daddy.
Oh, you like that? You know, I just picked that up.
$80,000 worth of pure flames.
Whoa. What kind of job do you have to have to get a car like that?
I'm an investor.
- Well, cool. - Investor!
Me and my partner here have our own business.
Really? What's it called? "Chico and the Man"?
No. It's a "tiny classified ads" business.
It's complex.
You know what, you're absolutely right.
Starting your own business is extremely complex.
- You know, there was a time... - Oh, Big Daddy.
One second, fellas.
Oh, Big Daddy!
Hello. Yeah, cool. Yes, yes. Hold on.
Hey, you know what, guys? I've really got to take this.
But it was a pleasure meeting you.
And good luck on your new business venture.
You know what, Elise, give these fellas my card.
Maybe we can do some business together sometime.
- Maybe. - All right.
So, Elise, this your man? This Big Daddy?
Hey, Elise, so tell Big Daddy we're definitely going to call, okay?
What?
Why do you have to act so impressed, man?
Because I am impressed.
Whatever.
I'm telling you, that guy Big Daddy, he's making moves.
Trust me, anybody who self-proclaims himself "Big Daddy"...
is not making moves.
- What's so funny? - You. You and your bout of jealousy.
I'm not having a bout of jealousy.
- I'm jealous of what? - That red Viper, for one thing.
Do you know what a car like that does to the ozone layer?
Oh, yeah, Captain Environmentalist.
Fuck you, man.
I'm telling you, Big Daddy is the man.
And you know he's putting palm-prints on that ass every night.
- Not necessarily. - Oh, necessarily.
- Not necessarily. - I'm gonna go with "necessarily."
Why must you continue to bust my balls?
- Hey, Rico! - Speaking of balls.
- Hey, Rico. - Great. Yeah.
Hey, Lisa, how're you doing?
Oh my... Do you know my friend Bobbi?
This is my cousin, Rico. The one I was telling you about with the big...
- Yeah, what's up? - Hey, Rico.
Right.
So, how's Uncle Victor?
He's fine. He's still going through chemo.
Rico, are you going to order?
Oh, my God, Larry!
- Oh, my God! Hi! - Oh!
Hey, Lisa.
Larry, I'm so sorry I haven't called you back.
And I know that you've called me several times...
but I've just been so busy.
Busy, busy, busy, like a busy little bee.
Speaking of bees, those flowers you sent me, they were so beautiful.
Flowers?
You know, we will definitely have to get together soon. I promise, okay?
I don't want you to think I'm just some big old tease.
Oh, no, no. I've been real busy, too.
Just a busy... Busy little beaver.
Isn't he just edible? I told you.
Oh, yeah, girl. Eat him with a spoon.
You know what, Lisa?
Larry's been talking about you non-stop.
I think he's ready to hook up, you know what I'm saying?
Really? Oh, my God! It sounds so sweet. I'm excited.
I'll call you. All right, boys. I think it's time for us to go.
We'll see you later.
Bye. Bye.
- I swear I didn't know. - Flowers? Come on, man.
Larry, look at me, man.
In the future, try checking the Adam's apple, all right?
And if a chick can palm a basketball and has more than 1,200 yards...
as a receiver in high school, it's probably a dude, man.
I didn't know.
Welcome to the Chicken Crib. May I take your order?
Yeah, what's up, man?
Let me get two Colossal Chicken Super-Combos...
and give me a Sprite with that.
Can I get a Chicken Wow special...
with extra sauce, if I could get that cooked fresh.
And hold the spice on the sauce.
Actually, you know what? Just put the sauce on the side.
You know what? Let's make that sauce from scratch.
And I'll have no onions...
no green peppers, extra red peppers...
order of half-fry-half-onion rings and the fries extra crispy.
- Anything to drink with that? - Yeah, Sprite.
$16.71.
- Oh, you must be new. - Excuse me?
Well, I'm Larry, Jonathan's brother.
- Jonathan's brother? - Yeah, we usually don't pay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yo! Yo, Jonathan!
These peoples with you?
Yeah.
Well, congratulations, gentlemen.
You just got yourself a free meal.
Have you even thought about my offer?
- What offer, Jon? - Don't be a butt-frank.
Assistant manager is a coveted position.
Assistant manager is a coveted position?
It's a lot of responsibility...
and you're a completely underqualified crackhead.
But like I said, I could pull some strings with the regional manager.
So, are you gonna pull strings for the french-fry girl, too?
Or does she just mainly pull your strings?
- Was I talking to you? - Just curious.
Yeah. What do you say?
Well, firstly, I haven't smoked crack in like six months.
- Oh, my bad. - Okay, good.
And secondly...
- I lost my train of thought. - Oh, my God!
That's perfect. That's priceless.
Look at the two of you. Wasting your lives.
What the fuck happened to you, pal? Don't you have any dignity?
- Fuck you, Jon. - No, you know what? I'm serious.
Look at me. I got the houseboat...
I got the '77 Trans Am, cherry.
I'm getting chicks.
All right? All of my dreams are coming true.
So, wait a minute. You actually dreamed about living on a houseboat...
and owning a '77 Trans Am?
I'm not talking to you, freeloader.
Jon, don't you rent the houseboat?
- Irregardless. - Regardless.
- What? - Regardless.
"Irregardless" is not a word. God, that drives me fucking crazy.
Regardless, then.
The point is you two don't have a pot to piss in.
What are you gonna do? Drift around, smoke dope for the rest of your lives?
Oh, my God.
Don't you two have any ambition? Don't you want to accomplish something?
Well, as a matter of fact, we're going into business for ourselves.
- You're gonna sell drugs again? - No.
It's tiny classified ads.
Tiny classified ads.
- Ads for what? - That's not the point, Jon.
- It's complex. - It's complex?
Don't you understand that with just a little hard work...
and discipline, that you could be sitting right where I am one day?
Don't you see that?
Jon, you're the manager of a goddamn fast-food restaurant!
And when I walked in today, you were getting blown...
by the retarded french-fry girl!
- She's not retarded! - You're retarded!
No, fuck you, crackhead!
I told you, I don't smoke crack anymore, douche-bag!
I don't give a damn if you smoke dick.
Now get the fuck out of my restaurant!
- I'm so sick of your shit! - I'm sick of yours, too!
This is your last free meal, asshole!
You wanna go at me?
So, Big Daddy...
tell me about the new business strategy you've created.
Well, to tell you the truth, it was really not a new strategy.
I just feel like it's time to diversify my investments a bit, that's all.
Diversify? That sounds great, sweetie.
What are you looking at?
Do you remember that seminar I went to at the airport last week?
- No. - Irregardless.
- Regardless. - Do you understand...
the type of money there is to be made in international real estate?
- International real estate? - Oh, big, big money.
Not to mention the perquisites. Check this out.
What does this look like to you?
I don't know, a beach somewhere in the Third World?
Read my lips.
Nicaragua.
And it's gonna be huge.
For 300 grand, I bought 300 acres of beachfront property down there.
- You paid $300,000 for that? - I know, can you believe it?
And that's just peanuts compared to what it's gonna be worth...
when I put a resort and a casino on it.
A resort? Don't you think it's a little bit unstable down there?
What, you mean like earthquakes and whatnot?
- I mean, like politically. - Politically?
Wake up and smell the coffee, boo.
We live in a state where the governor is famous...
for his convincing portrayal of a robot.
In a country that's being run by a man who almost choked to death on a pretzel.
Need I say more?
Okay, so you attended an airport seminar...
and purchased 300 acres...
of beachfront property in Nicaragua for $300,000.
That's right.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, you know what?
You're absolutely right.
What was I thinking? I gotta do more. I gotta invest it all.
- Everything. - Wow.
Exactly. Exactly!
Oh, there you go.
Hey, now, you go on and keep that for yourself, okay?
- Don't spend it all in one place. - Wow, thanks!
Come on, boo. Let's make moves. We got deals to handle.
So, baby, I think I got a buyer for that coin collection of yours.
You mean my limited-edition Sanford and Son pieces?
No, I mean the Indian Head nickel collection.
Oh, I thought you were talking about the Susquehannas.
Well, we're talking some serious dough for those.
I can get like $40,000 on eBay in a heartbeat.
- Bet you I can get you more. - Really?
All right. Well, set up a meeting with the buyer and I'll talk to him.
No, I can't. He's very private.
Okay, so how is this deal supposed to go down if I can't talk to the guy?
Well, I have these two guys. They can handle everything.
Two guys?
Look, baby, trust me, okay? I know them.
Let me do this deal for you.
All right, boo. I trust you. It's your deal.
Besides, we can use all the money we can get down there in Nicaragua.
Well, the bottom line is I finally kicked his ass this time.
Oh yeah. You definitely kicked his ass this time, buddy.
What's up, Lance?
So you had to take it to this, Lance.
You owe me $900.
Lance, it clearly states in our lease that we have until the 5th.
And don't bother trying to get your crap out of here...
until you pay me what you owe me.
I could've sworn we had until the 5th.
Come on, man. What're you going to do?
The guy is living in fear, man.
Anybody owe you any money?
Yeah, Steve owes me some jack.
Good luck getting that. Steve went AWOL after the whole Julio fiasco.
Julio fiasco?
Steve walked in on Peggy, coked out of her mind...
on her knees, blowing Julio.
Blowing Julio?
And then, Julio beat the shit out of Steve...
- put him in the hospital for four months. - Damn.
I always thought Julio was gay.
Apparently, gay dudes can fight, too.
Times are a-changing.
Spare some change?
- God bless you too, man. - It's unbelievable.
I know. I can't believe we're gonna miss The Shank, man.
Yo, Lance is really starting to piss me off right now.
We gotta find a TV.
You know that Club is worth more than your car, right?
Exactly.
Come on.
- I know what this is. - It's probably your alternator.
No...
- this is my bottom. - Your bottom?
- I mean, my life is a mess, right? - Well, this is true.
The rehab pamphlet says you can't sign up until you've hit your bottom.
I mean, we just got evicted, the car won't start...
my brother's all up in my shit, I almost hooked up with a tranny...
and now we're gonna miss The Shank.
Rico, I never miss The Shank.
You know, I'm sitting right next to you going through the same shit...
in case you didn't notice.
That's good. You should come to rehab with me.
What else are we gonna do? Look.
"Heavens House."
Probably got some crack whores that are decent-looking.
Yo. Check it, they got cable TV. Yeah.
- The Shank. - The Shank.
If we check in right now...
we can probably catch it before Tim Robbins even gets raped up the ass.
You do realize they probably charge for this bullshit, right?
You think?
Dude, I'm gonna bust your ass in Ping-Pong.
George Jefferson?
Hold on. I'm gonna be right back, okay? Hold on.
- Can I help you? - Oh, yeah, hi.
We're here about the rehab.
Yeah, so, who do we see about this rehab situation?
That would be me. I'm Montana. And you are...
Red. Red.
- Nice to meet you, Red. - Yeah, I'm Red.
Red.
And your name is?
Andy...
Dufresne.
- Nice to meet you, Andy. - Nice to meet you.
Okay, well, we can take care of you both.
- Let's start with you. Please follow me. - Okay.
You were really in The Pharcyde? That's amazing.
It's a pleasure to have you here with us, Red...
and I know you're gonna enjoy your stay.
And I just have to say, I am a huge fan of your dad's work...
and I'm just so glad to be able to help in any way I can.
Well, thank you so much, Montana.
I'm sure my dad would be extremely grateful.
That's enough. Okay.
Mr. Dufresne, please come on in.
- Go get 'em, Andy. - Thanks, Red.
No problem, Andy.
Newton's cradle. Sweet.
So, Andy, any major illnesses?
Major? No.
- Clinical depression? - Clinical?
No.
- God, this is incredible. - Isn't it?
How does it work?
Nobody really knows.
Holy shit!
Well, it's odd that way. It has a lot to do with surrender.
- Higher power. Letting go of our own will. - Really?
God, I would have thought it was something to do with gravity or inertia...
you know, something stupid like that.
Well, gravity is a factor. We're not getting any younger, are we?
And inertia, don't get me started. Inertia is a killer.
You know, I think you're really gonna get this thing, Andy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Now, just a few more medical questions...
and I poke my finger up your butt, and we're all set.
All right.
Oh, that was a joke.
Oh.
You can, if you need to.
Thanks, sweetie. I think I'll pass.
Oh, speaking of which, STDs?
I once had the skin on my entire ball bag...
peel off in one piece.
When was this?
Oh, God, I don't know. Four or five years ago.
Did you get it checked out?
It was a crazy time. Yeah, I probably should've seen a doctor.
Probably.
Okay, your drug of choice?
- What do you got? - No, I'm serious.
Me, too.
Your favorite drug. We just like to know.
It's hard to say. There are so many great ones.
Ecstasy is pretty damn good.
Although coke is solid...
you know, just consistent.
But pot... I mean, pot's the mainstay.
You know, at the baseline. The old friend.
Welcome to Heavens House.
- I got in? - Yeah.
- Television. - Quick, pop on The Shank.
Group in one minute.
And guys, I'm leaving for the day, so I'll see you tomorrow morning.
I guess we're gonna have to watch The Shank after group.
- Group? - Who you think we're grouping anyway?
I don't know, but I wouldn't mind grouping Montana's ass.
Oh, hey, real quick. You were kidding earlier, right?
About what?
When you said that Andy Dufresne gets raped in The Shank.
You're kidding.
Andy Dufresne does not get raped in The Shank.
Come on, man. Of course he does.
I've seen the movie like 100 times and I have never seen that.
What do you mean? It's like a major plot point.
It's the whole reason he decides to escape prison.
It's his motive.
Tim Robbins gets ass-fucked?
Maybe TNT doesn't show that part. How does he live with himself?
It's a movie, Larry.
Group in one minute.
But it only happens once, right?
Okay...
let's welcome Heavens House's newest family members...
Andy and Red.
Nice. Okay, why don't you guys all just introduce yourselves, huh?
To our newest patients? Otis, you start.
Okay, all right.
Otis Jackson, Jr. Here.
I'm an Aquarius with Capricorn tendencies.
I'm just playing.
I guess I'm your regular garden-variety, straight-up dope fiend.
Been addicted to crack, smack, uppers, downers...
booze, gambling, hookers.
Hell, you name it, I either sniffed it, shot it, smoked it...
or screwed it.
All right! Otis, my man! That's what I'm talking about, brother. Right on.
Everybody, let's settle down, okay?
Let's just try and keep it real simple.
Heather.
Hello, my name is Heather...
and I've been addicted to food, drugs...
men.
But, I guess I'm really just a booze hound at heart. Okay.
Jeff.
Jeff J. Johnson, Esquire. I have my own law practice.
I'm your basic tweaker. You know, crystal, speed, junk.
Anything to crank me up.
It's all good.
David.
Yo, what's up? I'm Dave.
And I ain't no damn drug addict.
Andy?
Hi, my name is Andy.
And I put down weed as my drug of choice.
Bingo.
I don't have any STDs...
although the skin of my entire ball bag fell off, one time.
And Red and I have our own "tiny classified ads" business.
Well, that's great, Andy.
Ads for what?
Well, you see, Linda, that's not the point.
It's complex.
Okay.
Well...
yesterday, we were discussing David's upcoming court case.
- How is that progressing, David? - It's progressing, all right.
They talking about locking my ass up.
Oh, man!
How does that make you feel?
Makes me feel like they talking about locking my ass up. What?
See now, that's your problem, Dave.
- You're cut off emotionally. - Please.
See, that's just a defense there, all right?
That is your anger coming up.
Okay, now, we talked about this.
No. It's not my anger, Linda.
Fuck, if I go to jail, I go to jail, right? That's the facts.
I meant, how I'm gonna feel...
I know...
you're the reason why I don't want to go to jail.
You're my French vanilla, my white chocolate...
you're my... Ay, qué linda.
Linda.
But you know. If I go to jail, I just go to jail.
Would either one of you care to share one of your stories...
of incarceration on a group level? Okay?
I'll share on a group level.
This may come as a surprise to some of you...
but I've done a stretch of time.
And let me tell you, as a lawyer, it's no picnic.
Feel free to contact me anytime regarding representation.
That's right, anytime.
- Jeff. - Call the number on it.
- We talked about this. - Right, right, okay.
Okay, right. Good.
Well, listen, I'd love to sit around and chat with you guys...
tell some war stories...
but I've got some calls to make, got a few cases out there just busting open.
So I'll catch up with you later.
He busted.
Now, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, here. Jeff, sit. Okay?
Now, Jeff just got done sharing something on a group level.
And I don't find anything funny about it.
Trust me, Linda. It's funny.
Really? Then why don't you go ahead and tell one of your stories.
I bet it is hilarious.
Okay.
It may come as a surprise to some of you...
but Red and I did a stretch of time together, a few years ago.
In the great state of Maine.
I was framed for killing my wife.
Don't worry, I didn't do it.
Me? Hell...
just a punk kid, grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.
I broke out eventually. Flew the coop. Escaped.
Headed on down to the islands.
Yeah, you see, he was being repeatedly gang-raped.
- Whoa. - That's terrible.
- I was not! - You were too.
I don't remember that part!
Andy, most people, they do block that out, okay?
But, it's nothing to be ashamed of, all right? Go ahead.
Thank you, Linda.
As I was saying...
I had the most amazing poster of Bo Derek...
that I put up on my wall to cover...
Shawshank Redemption!
- Aren't you guys playing Scattergories? - Chet!
And Andy, we are not here to play games. Sit it.
I take your recovery very seriously...
even if you choose not to.
Okay?
And as for you, if you won't tell... Yeah!
If you won't tell your story, then maybe I'll be forced to, Mr. Redd Foxx, Jr!
- Okay. - No, snowflake, wait.
Redd Foxx, Jr?
I couldn't remember Red's last name, man, so I improvised.
With Redd Foxx, Jr?
Listen up, drug addicts, we have two more hours of free time...
and that's it!
We have a very big day tomorrow.
Look, man. You know... Oh, what's up?
Man, you know who that is?
That's the Mayor's daughter, man.
How do you know that?
I keeps up with my politics.
Besides, I never had any political poon-tang before.
Don't you think she's a little out of your league?
Please.
In case you didn't notice, we in drug rehab, man.
Besides, I voted for her wack-ass dad. The way I see it, she owes me.
You guys really made me laugh in there. Thanks.
That was the first time in weeks. Name's Heather.
Hello, Heather. I'm Andy Dufresne.
So, Mr. Dufresne...
got any idea where a big girl like me...
can find some long, hard dick?
I'll tell you.
So, you know I'm a big fan of your dad's, too.
- Thank you. - Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I was thinking, we should probably stick together...
seeing that we're the only two from prominent families in here.
- Right. - Yeah.
Why don't you stop by later? I have a private room.
A private room? Okay, I like the sound of that.
- We could read Bible verses together. - Bible verses?
Hey, cool. I'm into the whole Jesus thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
So, I'll see you later tonight?
Oh, you'll see lots of me.
- Okay, then. - All right.
- You running group tonight? - Yeah.
So, did you French kiss?
No. Did I French kiss? No, man.
I'm heading over there later to read Bible verses.
Bible verses?
So, what's up with Big Drawers?
Well, apparently she's looking for some long, hard dick.
Can you believe those people in there?
And my brother calls me a crackhead.
I mean, I told him, I haven't smoked crack in like six months.
Excuse me.
- Is that reefer I smell? - No, sir.
Don't lie to an old man, boy. It ain't right.
You selfish bastards!
You all gonna stand out here and smoke a joint...
and ain't gonna ask an old man if he want a hit?
You want a hit, old man?
Does a crack whore's pussy stink?
I'm a drug addict, son. I always want a hit.
- Told you we could get high in rehab. - No, you can't.
Your buddy's right there, partner.
I mean, I like to smoke a little reefer from time to time, but that's it.
Folks around here take getting high pretty serious.
I'm reminded of a time in 1968...
No, it was '74.
Anyway, I was doing a gig down in Mississippi.
I'll never forget it, 'cause that was the first time I got crabs.
I used to sing tenor.
- You hear that? - That's it, honey.
Come on.
Take the tank top off.
That's it. Nice and slow.
You know who the daddy is, don't you, Dave?
- Dave? - Dave?
Who's out there?
What are you guys doing out here?
No, the question is, what the hell are you doing over there?
Just mind your own business. Go back inside!
Drug addicts!
Oh, Chet.
What the hell is that smell?
Hai Karate.
Hai Karate? Where do they still sell Hai Karate?
EBay. A man has to understand his pheromones, brother.
- Hey, what channel is TNT? - I don't know. Try 66.
There is no 66. This thing has only got like eight channels.
Eight channels? Wait a minute, man.
Give me that thing.
What the hell?
It clearly states in the brochure that they have basic cable.
I believe that's false advertising.
I tell you what, if they don't have TNT in here by tomorrow...
I'm out.
And I don't give a damn about your bottom or anybody else's goddamn bottom!
Kiss my ass, man.
Come in.
- I catch you at a bad time? - Of course not.
So, what you reading?
The Good Book.
Does your "good book" have a name?
Oh, the Good Book! Right.
Don't just stand there. Come sit down.
Read this part I highlighted.
Okay. Right here?
All right.
"Every man is tempted, when he is drawn away...
"of his own lust, and enticed."
So true. So true.
"Then, when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin."
Sin. It's true.
"And sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death."
Death. I guess that's true.
You smell so good, Red.
What is that smell? It's so familiar.
I got to run. I really got to run.
So, are you gonna let me in or not, handsome?
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
What's the verdict, Andy-boy?
The verdict?
You think you're ready for some of this big-girl pussy, or what?
You so crazy.
Oh, I'm deadly serious.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I'm like a dog...
with a bone.
- What's the matter, Red? - I just remembered...
Shawshank Redemption is on tonight. Great movie.
- We don't have TNT. - Oh, yeah?
But I've got something better than TNT.
You like my outfit?
It's fantastic. It's fabulous.
It's a very, very good look for you.
Know the best part about it?
It's crotchless.
Jesus. Jesus.
Forgive me my sins, Jesus.
Yes, yes, yes, my child.
No. Call me Mary Magdalene.
Don't be afraid, my child. I mean, Mary.
Excuse me. Could you untie me, please?
- Sure, Jesus. Anything for you. - No, no.
It's Red. Just...
Okay, Jesus.
It's Red.
- Just... Please? - Jesus.
I think I love her, buddy.
Code blue. Code blue.
- Where are we going? - Down the hall and to your left.
Got it. Bring it around.
- Chet, what's going on? - It's Otis. He tried to hang himself.
Why would Otis try to hang himself?
Maybe he couldn't hack it on the outside.
Like old Brooksie in The Shank.
Probably right.
Packed up his things...
combed his hair...
carved his name above the window.
Just like old Brooksie.
Are you two idiots finished?
- Screw you, Chet. - Promises, promises.
Do realize what that drug addict did to himself?
Otis has some real issues you might not be aware of.
Be quiet!
All right.
Look at you. Oh, look at you.
I can't wait.
Sweet dreams, drug addicts.
Good morning, sweetheart.
What you doing in here? You can't just come in here without knocking.
Yes, I can. I can do whatever I want.
- What's the big deal? - Oh, honey...
there's clearly no big deal here.
I am so not impressed.
Montana wants to see you in her office in 20 minutes, drug addicts.
Hell, man. That cat is creepy.
As I'm sure you probably know...
there was a special last night on E! True Hollywood Story...
documenting the life of Redd Foxx.
Is there anything you want to tell me?
Yes, as a matter of fact, there is, Montana.
I am very, very disappointed...
in the supposed cable service in here.
Now, I'm no expert, but to the best of my knowledge...
TNT is considered basic cable...
in every major market in the U.S.
- Is that a fact? - Oh, yeah. Definitely.
It's common knowledge. Maybe you should call them 'cause, you know...
that's false advertising. I mean, you guys could get in a lot of trouble behind that.
You know, he's right about that. You know, 'cause we know a lot about advertising.
- We have a "tiny classified ads" business. - Really? Ads for what?
That's not the point, Montana. It's complex.
Montana, the bottom line is this.
We're not going to be able to continue staying here under these conditions.
Hello.
I knew it.
Yes. Thank you for calling me back.
Really? You don't?
Never mind. Thanks again for calling me back. Bye-bye.
So look...
you're gonna handle that cable situation, right?
How does this thing work again?
Give me that.
You and your goddamn bottom.
- You know this is all your fault, right? - What? How do you figure that?
Man, you're the one that got us to go to rehab.
"Yeah, Rico, they got cable."
Eight fucking channels is not cable, Larry.
Well, excuse me, Mr. Redd Foxx, Jr.
You know, you didn't help matters much by firing up a spliff in Montana's office.
I can't believe you did that.
Did you see Montana's face, man?
You know, but seriously...
- that is false advertising, though. - Oh, I concur.
- So where you want to go now? - I don't know.
What about Big Daddy?
Excellent point, my friend. A guy like that probably has DirecTV.
- Absolutely. - Yeah.
- You got his number? - It's in the glove box.
Yeah, I got it.
Got it right here.
So, what do you think? Should we call Big Daddy?
Well, his address is right here on the card.
- Let's just head over there. - Good.
- I gotta take a shit anyway. - Let's roll.
Now, that's class.
Easy, Killer.
- Yeah, easy, Killer. - Can I help you?
Yeah, we're Elise's friends.
Oh, yeah! Chico and the Man! You're the two guys Elise was talking about.
Welcome to Le Casa de Big Daddy.
Come on. Let me show you around. Come on in, fellas.
And last but not least, fellas, here's Big Daddy's den.
Wow. Now, this is luxurious.
I could definitely live here.
Well, with a lot of hard work, one day you probably can.
Come on in. Have a seat, fellas.
So...
correct me if I'm wrong, but you're the small-business owners, right?
Right. We have a "tiny classified ads" business.
That's right. Now I remember. Sounds like it might be fairly profitable.
Most definitely. You see, the ads themselves...
- they generate income. - Yeah, Big Daddy...
it's complex.
Complex?
I see. I like that.
Hey, Elise, what do you think about the word "complex"?
Nothing, really.
What are they doing here?
What are you talking about? They're gonna do the deal.
- The deal? No, these aren't the guys. - And they couldn't be better.
Finally, some guys who understand business.
We were just going over their tiny classified ads.
They say it's complex.
- Right. Ads for what? - You see, that's not the point, boo.
It's complex.
You see, Elise, the ads themselves...
- they generate income. - Generate income from what?
Ads is short for advertisement.
Ads mean nothing unless you're advertising something.
So, if you're not advertising anything, then there is no income to generate.
Yeah, but it's complex.
Don't you understand? Complex.
Anyway, back to the business at hand.
Now, I'm pretty sure Elise has filled you guys in on the particulars.
- No, actually, Big Daddy, I haven't. - Hold it a minute, boo.
I know I told you it's your deal...
but just let me show these fellas the merchandise. Then you can take over.
Now check this out.
Here are my precious babies.
Now...
Elise told me you can get around $50,000, which sounds nice...
but of course, you're going to have to make an appraisal yourselves...
before you can take them to your guy. So, come on, boo...
let's give these gentlemen a few minutes...
then I'll let you take over and tell them what they need to know.
I'll be back in a minute, fellas.
What was that all about? Coins?
Where are we going to get $50,000?
What?
Oh, my God.
We're going to watch The Shank.
Hey, it's me. Well, the deal changed.
I'll fill you in. I said I'd fill you in later.
I gotta go. Somebody's on the other line.
Hello?
Hey, girl.
No, nothing.
How come every man in my life is a moron?
- Rico, man, how do you turn this thing on? - I don't know. Damn.
- Press the button. - Try the... No, that's not it. Try the...
No, dude. What...
- So what do you think? - About what?
The coins. Is $50,000 fair?
Yeah.
Yeah, I saw you looking at that stereo equipment. You like it?
Yes.
Picked that bad boy up down in Tokyo, Japan.
Oh, Big Daddy.
Yeah. Hold on one second.
Hey, listen guys, I got to take this, okay? Elise will fill you in on all the details.
See you fellas later.
Okay, about these Sanford and Son pieces. Now, how much can I get for Lamont?
What the fuck is wrong with the two of you?
Nothing.
- Is something burning? - I don't smell anything.
I farted earlier.
Okay, here's the deal. All right?
Take the briefcase to the Mex-A-Go-Go bus station, 12:00 noon tomorrow.
Don't sit there with it, 'cause I'm afraid you'll lose it.
Now, put it in a locker and take the key and give it to a guy. You follow?
Yes.
Any guy?
The guy you'll be meeting is very big, with lots of tattoos.
You cannot miss him. Okay?
Like I said, take the briefcase, put it in a locker.
Take the key, give it to the guy, the very big guy with the big tattoos.
The guy'll give you a package filled with money.
It's a very simple exchange.
Got me?
You can go now.
Yep. Got it.
Goodbye.
So...
Elise, this where you spend most of your nights?
None of your goddamn business. I'll see you two tomorrow.
Hey, Elise, thanks a lot for everything.
Don't thank me. You're Big Daddy's pawns, not mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I ain't nobody's pawn, baby.
Right.
Elise.
Yeah, I'm about to break it off with her anyway, man.
No, she's right there.
Nice car.
Better not fuck this up.
Don't worry.
We won't fuck it up.
No, no. Get out and push.
Hey, it's me. Yeah. Pick-up's tomorrow at noon.
Just give them the package and take the key...
and I'll take care of the rest. All right.
Man, I hope your brother doesn't start in on that shit again.
Yeah, well, he's probably going to.
Kind of out of options. Where else are we gonna stay?
- I just don't feel like hearing it. That's all. - At least he's got a TV.
Shit.
- Think he's dead? - I don't know.
Jeff?
Oh, hey, fellas.
God damn!
What happened?
I must have fallen or something.
Hey, man, you all right?
Sure, fine.
Fine. Thanks.
How you guys doing?
Hey, what are you doing out of rehab?
Montana gave us the boot.
What about you?
Graduated.
- Graduated? - Yeah.
Really?
Oh, shit.
Look at the time.
I got to be in court in like 45 minutes.
As a lawyer or a defendant?
That's funny. No.
I'm trying this really big case.
Just stopped in for a little power nap, you know?
Freshen up.
Hey, listen, you guys, call me, okay?
Cell phone, call me.
We'll hang, catch up. Okay.
Oh, Jeff.
Yeah.
What a dick.
Well, well, well, look who it is.
Frick and Frack.
- What's going on, Jon? - What's it look like?
Grab a couple of rags. Help me finish.
Care to join us for a couple of brewskis, ladies?
I don't think so.
- That's nasty. - Real smooth there, Jon.
Fucking dykes.
Oh, no, you two can't stay here tonight. Out of the question.
- It's just for one night. - No. I need you out of here ASAP.
- What's wrong with your TV, Jon? - What do you mean?
You don't have cable?
This is a houseboat, idiot.
Besides, what do you think I am? Made of money?
Listen...
Paulie's bringing over a couple of hot chicks tonight...
and I can't have you two fuck-ups lurking around.
Well, where do you expect us to go?
Don't ask me. Homeless shelter?
So, who are these chicks you speak of, Jon?
Just a couple of hotties we met last week over at the Dusty Whale.
And they are H-O-T, my friend.
- Oh, I bet they are. - That's right! They are!
If you got your shit together...
you could be living the same kind of life I am.
I'm telling you guys...
I am a major player over here.
Hey Jon, we're here!
I'm coming right down.
You guys gotta get out of here.
All right.
Come on aboard, everybody. Yeah.
You ladies ready to get down on the poop deck?
You ready for some sailing lessons?
What the fuck are they doing here?
They were just leaving.
Rico? Larry? Oh, my God!
I can't believe this.
You guys. Are you stalking us?
Do we have stalkers?
Looks like you do.
- You all know each other? - Yes, Rico is my cousin.
This is such a small world.
Are you guys going to hang out with us?
No. They're not.
Yeah, no.
- I gotta go. - Don't leave on account of us.
- Yeah. Leave on account of us. - Yeah. Leave on account of...
We'll leave you lovebirds alone.
Don't let the gangplank hit you on the way out.
You guys have a ball. Or two.
Or eight.
Let's get down. This is gonna get funky.
Man, your brother is a fucking retard.
- No offense. - Believe me, none taken.
So where to now?
I guess back to the car.
- Man, that's rough. - Yeah, I know.
But while I'm sleeping in that car...
it will comfort me knowing that Jonathan's getting a special private performance...
of The Crying Game.
- Live and uncut. - Holler.
Larry.
Hey! Get out of here, man. Get...
Hey.
Hey, man, I'm trying to sleep in here.
Steve?
Rico. Hey.
Man. Larry.
Larry. Steve, man.
Steve? What's up, dude?
Fucking Julio.
- I heard, I heard. - Yeah?
How come you two never came to visit me in the hospital, then?
- We've been real busy, Steve. - Right. Right.
- After I gave you my apartment, too. - Wait, wait, wait, Steve.
You didn't give us the apartment. We took over the lease, man.
That's what I meant.
You're living in the past, Steve. You've gotta snap out of it, baby.
Look at yourself.
What happened to your shoes, Steve?
Well, take a good look, all right? Because this could happen to any one of us.
- I don't think so, Steve. - There's some crazy "Steve" shit right here.
Well, I gather neither one of you is gonna break off a few bucks...
for an old friend who's, you know, down on his luck?
No. Matter of fact, you got that $10 you owe me?
You know what, man? God bless you two assholes, okay?
I pray you never have to walk in my shoes. Okay?
Steve!
That's the point, man. You have no fucking shoes!
What a dick.
Oh, Steve.
Makes me feel better about sleeping in your piece-of-shit car.
Yeah.
What time is it?
- Time for me to drop the kids off at the pool. - Let's roll.
...waiting all day!
For the love of God! What's taking him so long?
Ándale, señor, ándale.
Come on.
- Good morning. - Ay, caramba!
Oh my God! Who did that?
Hey...
How's the deal supposed to work again?
Elise said give some guy a key to a bus locker.
You got the key?
Man, she didn't give me a key.
See, that's what I'm talking about, man. Me and Elise. We just don't mix.
You see what I'm saying?
Gotta break it off with her, man.
Just got to break it off. It's not gonna work.
How are we supposed to do a key deal if we don't have a key?
I remember this one time I lost my sunglasses?
Honest to God, I looked for them for an hour and 45 minutes.
On my head the entire time.
Hey, look, man. Our guy is ten o'clock.
No, dude. That's nine. Your three o'clock. Three o'clock.
No. Look, you remember the guy with the tattoos? The tattoos?
- Oh, tattoo. - Yeah.
Yo.
Who the fuck are you?
Where the fuck is Mikey?
- Mikey? - Where's Mikey?
Mikey couldn't make it today. But...
he sends his condolences.
Condolences?
Yeah.
Listen, smart-ass. I don't like it. I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit. Deal's off.
- Just like that? - Yeah. You got a problem with that?
- Sorry I'm late, Earl. - Mikey. What the fuck?
Yo, what are you guys doing here?
That's what I want to know, Mikey. Who the fuck are these chumps?
- They're just... - Are they cops, Mikey? Are they?
No.
Because if they are, you know what I gotta do, don't you?
- They're not. - You lying to me, Mikey?
- Man, there's no way. - Did you rat me, Mikey?
- Did you rat me out? - I never ratted nobody.
That's not what I heard. I heard you ratted out Manny...
but I chose not to believe it.
But I'm starting to have my doubts, okay?
Okay?
Hey, man, whoa.
Okay. Let's go. Move. Move. Move.
- I liked you, Mikey. I really did. - But I...
- But I didn't, I didn't do... - Shut up.
I liked you, Mikey, but now you've gone and betrayed me.
Now you're gonna have to pay.
Actually, Earl, you know, we have a previous engagement...
I swear. One more word out of you, I'm gonna blow your fucking head off.
Get in.
Open the door. Get in the van.
Get in the van.
Turn around.
I said turn around!
You're... You're not wearing a wire, are you, Mikey?
- Take off your shirt. Take off your shirt! - Okay.
- What are you doing, Earl? - Excuse me, Earl?
Just shut your pie-hole, Wyclef.
How could you do this to me, Mikey?
- Do what? What do you mean? - Shut the fuck up or I swear I will...
You know what I'm gonna have to do to you now, don't you?
Yo.
No. Not yet.
- I know. Where the hell they at? - They'll be there.
Just hang on.
I'll give it five more minutes.
Teach you a lesson, boy.
Hurts me more than it hurts you.
Wow.
Yo, let's bounce.
Sorry about that, Mikey.
It's going to be really awkward seeing Mikey at the coffee shop.
Yeah, man.
What a dick.
There's our man. Let's go.
What's up?
- You got something for me or what? - Maybe.
You got something for me?
Maybe.
Gentlemen, this does not need to be this complicated.
Sir, here's your key.
Cool.
So, you guys working for Big Daddy now?
- Temporarily. - About to start our own business.
No doubt, no doubt. I like that. What kind of business?
Tiny classified ads.
Oh, really? Ads for what?
- It's complex. - Right.
I see.
You know...
I'm kind of doing some complex shit too, man.
I'm about to get this rap shit jumped off. You feel me?
It costs a lot of money though, man.
You got studio time. You gotta pay producers for tracks.
You gotta press up your CDs. You gotta get your street team together.
I gotta get shot a couple of times.
You know, that shit's kind of tough. I don't know if I want it in the arm or the leg.
I heard it reads better if it's in the stomach...
but there are some complications with that shit.
You know? And...
rappers like rottweilers, so I'm in therapy working on my phobia of dogs.
Dogs are good. Dogs are good.
And, as you know, there are hoes and weed.
- Weed. - You see what I'm saying?
My shit's complex too.
So, are you really a rapper?
Hells, yeah.
I spit that lethal shit, son.
The Cool Crush Ice Killer
Rock the mike like The Thrilla in Manila
The painkiller
The deal-sealer
I'll shoot you in your throat Make your blood cold spill-a
Like a teacup. You see that? Spilling?
- That shit is nice, huh? - Oh yeah. Definitely.
Right. Right.
- Look, here, Dice Diller... - No, no. Ice Killer.
It's...
It's Ice Killer.
Cool Crush...
Ice Killer.
Cool Crush Ice Killer.
- All right. - All right.
Well, look, man, me and my partner, man, we really got to make moves, man...
What? No, no, no. You ain't going nowhere, dawg.
Not until I make sure my shit is in this locker.
Stay right there.
Don't move.
Take the briefcase, put it in a locker. Take the key, give it to the guy.
The very big guy with big tattoos.
You better not fuck this up.
Hey!
Mother...
- Hey, motherfucker! - Pop the clutch! Pop the clutch!
Shit, shit, shit.
Shit!
It's okay, baby.
- I can't believe this shit, man. - Is he coming? Is he coming?
No, not yet.
Cool Crush Killer!
He's a wack rapper, man.
- Chasin' me in his Impala! - He's wack, man.
I don't even know why you're feeling that stupid shit, man.
- I thought he was pretty good. - He wasn't good, man.
Man, he's gonna kick our ass.
- Can't you go any faster, man? - I can't. I'm stuck in second gear!
- Oh, man. Oh, shit. - Oh, man!
Get out of here!
- Pull over! - Get out of here, man!
- Pull over! - I liked your rap!
- Man, get out of here! He's wack! - Pull over!
- I can't hear you.
My window's broken!
Go! Go!
- I'm going! - Stop!
- Go! Do something! - I'm going.
- Start the car. Start the car! - What are you doing?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Larry. - Man, I took out the whole family!
Come on, man! That was some Smokey and the Bandit,
Burt Reynolds shit right there, man.
That was like Jeff Gordon driving through Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.
- Keep going, all right? - Let's go to Big Daddy's house.
Big Daddy's house. He'll know what to do.
- Big Daddy's house is safe. - Yeah, it's safe.
- You know Big Daddy got a gun. - He's got a big, big, Big-Daddy gun.
What do you mean by that?
Oh, shit!
Look out! God damn!
Where's he at?
Oh, shit. Keep going. Just keep going.
Come on, baby. Come on.
All right, baby, all right.
- Oh, he mad now, man. - Fuck!
Right here. Right here. Turn right here.
Shit.
Man, we're going to die, man!
Just stay in the car. Stay in the car.
Big Daddy! Big Daddy!
Hey.
Let's stay in the car. Let's stay in the car.
Dogs are good. Dogs are good.
Oh, shit.
Big Daddy!
Get out. Grab the case. Grab the briefcase.
- What's going on out here in my yard? - Big Daddy, get this dog off of me, man!
Don't do it! Your man is crazy.
He's been chasing us, Big Daddy.
Percy? What are you doing, man?
Your boys tried to fuck me, man. It ain't right!
They tried to fuck you? What?
- Get this dog off me! - Yeah, in a minute.
What does he mean, you tried to fuck him?
I didn't know you guys were gay.
- No. - No.
It was empty. God, get this dog, man!
Locker? What are you talking about?
They robbed me, man.
- Did you rob the man? - No.
- Come on, man. Get your dog, man! - Yeah, in a minute.
- Monopoly money, Percy? - It's not what you think, man!
- I can explain. - Well, I guess you better get started, then.
I can explain. Look, look, it's...
It's... It was Elise, man. She put me on it.
- He's a liar. - Really, man.
She told me about some stupid investment plan in Nicaragua...
and that she found another buyer and she was gonna give me 20%.
Man, I'm just trying to get this rap thing off the ground, man. I ain't no criminal.
You are a fucking liar.
You don't believe him, do you, sweetie?
Would I lie, Big Daddy?
No!
Oh, Big Daddy!
Heel, Killer!
Elise?
Okay.
Nicaragua was a stupid deal.
I was just trying to protect you.
I didn't want you or us to lose everything.
I don't wanna go back to the trailer park in Texas.
I want to be with you.
You understand me. You're the first person that I've ever trusted.
You're the only one I've ever unconditionally loved.
Oh, Big Daddy...
you complete me.
Nicaragua was a stupid deal?
Oh, hell, no. You got to go.
Oh, please, Big Daddy.
Killer.
Okay, fine. Let me go get my things.
Your things, Elise? Come on.
Fine. I'll go.
Fine.
Big Daddy, please.
Wait up, you big dummy. I need a ride.
Guess you guys just knew it, huh? You just somehow sensed it?
Yeah, you know.
Matter of fact, you know, I never trusted Elise in the first place.
She been playing you the whole time, just like she was stringing me along.
Here's your Susquehannas back.
Although I got to tell you, Big Daddy...
in my experience with Susquehannas...
a set like yours would invariably be worth exponentially more than $50,000 US.
You guys are good, man.
You guys are very good! No wonder you're going into business for yourselves.
You have the ability to think on your feet, improvise, and I like that.
You know, I could use a couple of guys like you...
with your street smarts and intuitive business sense.
I'm listening.
Well, I've got some international real-estate investments I've been cultivating.
And you'll never guess where.
- Nicaragua? - No.
Actually, yeah, man. Yeah. How did you know?
I heard it's popping off down there.
Listen, I'm headed down there in a few days.
What do you fellas think about coming down there and working for me?
- I'm down. - I would love to.
- Then it's a deal. - Yes.
All right. You fellas come check me out tomorrow. We'll work out the details.
All right. Oh, Big Daddy.
Sorry, one last thing.
Do you by any chance have cable?
Yeah, man, look, we've been trying to watch the Shawshank marathon...
all weekend long...
and we were thinking, just maybe...
just maybe we could catch the last one.
The Shank?
Fellas, I got the special-edition DVD director's cut.
I was just about to watch it again. Are you kidding me?
Come on, fellas.
Yes.
Hey, Big Daddy, do me a favor, huh?
Could you please tell Rico...
that Andy Dufresne does not get ass-raped in The Shank?
What are you talking about?
Of course he gets ass-raped. It's a major plot point.
I told you.
- It's Dick Dupree. - Mr. Dupree! Mr. Dupree!
Fellas, fellas, I had no idea it was a scam.
I actually had nothing to do with the whole thing.
Scam? What are you talking about?
We love you, man.
You're my hero. I just wanted to say hello.
Matter of fact, we're starting our own "tiny classified ads" business.
Yeah, yeah!
Well, boys, let me...
Check that out. That's Dick Dupree.
Let me go ahead and let you in on a little secret.
Tiny classified ads, they're dead. Those days are over.
All the big money...
All the big money is now in...
Nicaragua.
- That's where we're heading! - Really?
You gotta meet this guy. He's a genius.
Dick Dupree. I'm a big fan, man.
I was at your seminar last week. We're on our way to Nicaragua.
Yeah!
I really, really... I need the rent money.
- Lance, I thought we had until the 5th. - You do.
But it's already the 15th...
and you're three months behind already.
- Are you sure about that? - Yes. I'm sure.
Dude, here it is again.
... a mass-marketed infomercial, but first...
one quick question. Just a quick question.
What is the number-one industry on the planet?
Numero uno.
Real estate.
Real estate is the number-one industry on the planet, year in, year out.
Don't worry, I'm not here hawking foreclosures...
or some "get rich quick without putting any money down" scheme.
I'm talking about prime beachfront real estate...
in exotic, let it come...
Nicaragua.
Poised to become the next Rio of the Third World.
Just listen to a testimonial from some of my very dear, dear friends...
who took advantage of this awesome, awesome...
opportunity.
Jon, I just can't believe it.
It is so beautiful.
And so are you, baby. And so are you.
- Listen, Jon. - What?
I know that you've been frustrated with me...
because you think that I've been withholding sex from you.
No, baby, I don't care about that. I love you.
Jon, I love you too, but I think there's something you should know about me.
Holy shit.
I'm Larry.
Is that your baby brother?
And I'm Rico.
There was a time in our lives when nothing was going right.
Down on our luck...
we were kicked out of a one-room apartment.
I was mistakenly courting a transvestite.
We were even kicked out of rehab.
I'll be damned.
Okay, I'm sorry. What did you want to tell me?
... every single one of you is rich beyond your wildest dreams.
The banana peeler The gold wheeler
Chop you up like meat put you on a tortilla
Can you please shut it up?
We were even kicked out of rehab.
It was hopeless.
Hell, the skin off my entire ball sack fell off one time.
He's right. I was there.
I can't believe that bullshit worked.
... and then we met Dick.
And he introduced us to...
Nicaragua.
Boy.